When You Get What You Want, But Not What You Need
by Twistedloveaffair69
Summary: Ever Wonder What Happened to Bella Swan. She Just Married Edward Cullen and Rode Off into The Sunset Like the End of a Fairytale. Only to Realize That She Was Living a Horror Story. (Bella's Side of When You Lose Something You Can't Replace)


**When You Get What You Want, But Not What You Need**

 **Summary: Ever wonder what happened to Bella Swan. She just married Edward Cullen and rode off into the sunset like the end of a fairytale. Only to realize that she was living a horror story.** **(Bella's side of WHEN You Lose Something You Can't Replace)**

 _People will always make you feel like losing them in your life will be a lifetime regret...when losing yourself in them is suicide._

 _\- Unknown quotes_

* * *

I was only aware of this exchange with the lesser part of my concentration. The greater part was riveted on the person in the mirror.

My first reaction was an unthinking pleasure. The alien creature in the glass was indisputably beautiful, every bit as beautiful as Alice or Esme. She was fluid even in stillness, and her flawless face was pale as the moon against the frame of her dark, heavy hair. Her limbs were smooth and strong, skin glistening subtly, luminous as a pearl.

My second reaction was horror.

 **Who was she?**

At first glance, I couldn't find my face anywhere in the smooth, perfect planes of her features.

 **And her eyes!**

Though I'd known to expect them, her eyes still sent a thrill of terror through me.

All the while I studied and reacted, her face was perfectly composed, a carving of a goddess, showing nothing of the turmoil roiling inside me. And then her full lips moved.

"The eyes?" I whispered, unwilling to say my eyes. "How long?

"They'll darken up in a few months," Edward said in a soft, comforting voice. "Animal blood dilutes the color more quickly than a diet of human blood. They'll turn amber first, then gold."

My eyes would blaze like vicious red flames for months?

"Months?" My voice was higher now, stressed.

In the mirror, the perfect eyebrows lifted incredulously above her glowing crimson eyes - brighter than any I'd ever seen before.

Jasper took a step forward, alarmed by the intensity of my sudden anxiety.

No one answered my question.

I started to looked away, towards Edward and Alice but something made me pause, though, watching the blood-red of her eyes blink back at me in the expensive, huge, gilt-framed mirror.

For a split-second I thought I saw dark, almost black, eyes instead, angry and hateful but with concern hiding underneath.

Which is ridiculous, of course; my eyes had been brown back when she had been a stupid human with a pitiful soul.

 **Why would I think about someone else's eyes?**

 _"They're not even alive! It makes me sick...Better you really be dead than one of them."_

 **Jacob...**

 _"There's always a risk for humans to be around the cold ones, even if they're civilized like this clan was. You never know when they might get too hungry to resist."_

 **Jacob...**

 _"One of the many hazards of socializing with vampires. It makes you smell bad."_

 **Jacob...**

 _"You see, the cold ones are the natural enemies of the wolf,"_

 **Jacob...**

 _"blood sucking leach,"_

 **Jacob...**

 _"_ _You'd be better off dead. I rather you were."_

 **Jacob...**

 _"You won't be Bella anymore. My friend wont exists. There'll be no one to forgive."_

I blinked.

I stared at the beautiful woman with the terrifying eyes, looking for pieces of me.

I raised my hand experimentally, and the flawless vision of perfection in the mirror copied the movement, touching her face, too. Her crimson eyes watched me warily.

Unable to look at her anymore, I broke the mirror into a thousand billion pieces – **_shatter, break! Go Away, Go Away, Go Away!_** – and kept hitting until the frame crunched into the wall and crumbled to dust.

The rest of the Cullens gasp and crowd around me.

I could feel Jasper trying to calm down my rage but it was no use.

"Bella..." Edward called, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Don't call me that! " I shouted, in a voice wasn't mine.

 ** _None of this was me!_**

 _This isn't me, this isn't me., this isn't me, this isn't…_

"I'm not fit for that name anymore, " I said in a raspy whisper.

"Then who are you?" Alice asked and I stared at my reflection in the shining pieces of glass at my feet.

Even in her rage, she didn't look anything like me.

"Belial," I said and Edward flinched.

This was what I wanted…

This was what I longed for…

I just never thought it would feel like this.

* * *

Time passes slowly when you're a vampire. For some reason she always thought that once she became vampire then the years would go by in the blink of an eye.

But they didn't.

Without the ability to sleep everyday feels endless; A year feels like one really long day and she's sick of hiding when the sun comes out.

Her emotions start to dim, her human memories become blurry- harder to remember- and every day she begins to feel _less_ and _less._

Edward kisses her and she stands there and lets him because he's her husband now and she made a vow _'Til Death Do We Part'_.

She lays on her back for him and spreads her legs because it's what she _wanted,_ what she _died_ for, but after she became…a Cullen, it lost its thrill.

She just feels **numb** most of the time.

He sees it in her eyes whenever they make love, she stares at the ceiling and counts the seconds until it's over.

3638 seconds of _nothing_.

And once he rolls off her, she goes and takes a shower wishing she could peel off her cold, granite, skin, just so she could feel the pressure- _the_ _ **Heat**_ -of the water.

She doesn't even feel the need to feed or hunt. She can go days, weeks, months, without drinking anything and the burn at the back of her throat will still feel like nothing more than a tickle.

Edward invites her to hunt with him and she goes because he's her husband and she _supposed_ to want to be with him.

She thought she would **_always_** want to be with him.

She remembers feeling excited and nervous, and sad and so many things all tied in with him.

Like he was the center of her universe.

But the moment his teeth sunk into her skin, everything, all the _want, need, **love**_ , was gone.

Now, looking at him was just a reminder of everything she gave up.

A reminder that she made the wrong choice.

 _"_ _You have a choice. I didn't. none of us did, but you do, and_ _ **you're choosing wrong**_ _!"_

Belial couldn't even look Rosalie in the eye…couldn't stand the pitying glances that she shoots her way.

Belial wonders sometimes how they do it. How can they pretend to love each other? How can he pretend to love **_her_**?

Because she knows for a fact that vampires can't feel love, can't feel joy, can't feel happiness…or maybe it's just her.

Her daughter, her perfect thing, makes her sick to look at. Renesmee, so beautiful _(Too beautiful)_ so smart _(Too smart)_ and growing up so fast _(Too fast)._

Renesmee should've been the perfect distraction from the emptiness of her life…but Rosalie barely let her touch her.

Anything Renesmee needed _, food, clothes, a hug_ , Rosalie was right there providing it.

After a while, Belial didn't even try any more.

Renesmee barely spoke, preferring to use her vamp-powers to communicate.

Belial wasn't sure if she had a power. Maybe her inability to feel was a power. The opposite of Jasper's gift.

Her old friends, her human friends, have all moved on with their lives. She wonders if they ever think about her. Ever wonder what happened to Bella Swan. She just married Edward Cullen and rode off into the sunset like the end of a fairytale. Only to realize that she was living a horror story.

She reads, book after book, after book. They're the only thing she enjoys anymore…at least she _thinks_ she enjoys them.

Maybe she should ask Jasper to follow her around and tell her what she's feeling at all times.

Renesmee, another reminder of a life she left behind.

"She's his imprint," Edward explains and Belial feels…

 **She Feels.**

* * *

One day she just stood in one place for a long time and tried to count the seconds until somebody kills her.

 _(Because somebody has to be looking for her._ _ **He**_ _has to be looking for her.)_

Edward and the others talk to her and try to convince her to talk, to hunt, to read…to do something.

She reaches 31560032 before Edward says something that snaps her out of her concentration.

"Your father is got married,"

It only took 31560032 seconds before Charlie found someone to love and marry.

How many seconds would pass before he died?

 _(The answer was_ _ **1,419,120,365**_ _. She wasn't even allowed to attend his funeral. She burned down Charlie's house a few days later. The thought of another family living there after everything that happened just makes her feel… She wasn't even sure what it was she felt anymore. René dies at_ _ **1,734,480,125**_ _seconds. With her parents gone it's almost like Bella Swan never existed in the first place.)_

At 662,256,000 seconds, Renesmee decides she wants to meet her soulmate.

Edward is encouraging but Belial doesn't think it's a good idea.

"We shouldn't ambush him like this," she said, is a low mutter.

"Why not, Mom? He's my soulmate. I want love too. Like you and Dad," Renesmee whines, and Belial sees Edward cringe.

Their **Forever Love** hadn't really turned out like either of them had imagined.

Belial wants to protest, wants to say **_No_** but she can't think of a good reason why. Renesmee was **_his_** imprint and they were meant to be together. She was married to Edward now. There was no reason for her to be nervous.

 ** _Nervous_** …finally an emotion she could identify.

* * *

She agrees to wait outside with Renesmee while Edward goes and talks to **_him_**.

"Renesmee is old enough to know her soulmate. The least you can do is at least meet her." Edward says and Belial glances at her daughter, who is practically bouncing with excitement.

"Never," **_he_** says, and **_his_** face enters her head, giving her ** _his_** signature sunny smile, and it's like imagining another world.

"You don't have a choice. She is here and she really wants to meet you."

Renesmee took that that as a signal and dragged Belial with her into the house.

"Do not bring her in here," ** _he_** snarled, just as we made it to the doorway.

She stared at him, amazed by how little ** _he_** had changed. She had the vague memory of **_him_** at her bedside when she gave birth to Renesmee.

 _"_ _Keep your heart beating, Bells,"_

 ** _He_** rose to **_his_** feet and began to reach out towards her…no, **_he_** was reaching for Renesmee.

The pull of the imprint must work better once you can actually see your soulmate.

She turned her head and looked away from **_him_**.

She didn't want to be here. She didn't want to see this.

It felt…wrong, it was all wrong–

 _She didn't want…_

 ** _She didn't want…_**

Belial looked at **_him_** , trying to ignore the memories that came.

 _Jacob,_ _ **my**_ _Jacob._

That memory made her feel…

She hated not knowing what she was feeling.

 ** _He_** turned away from her and she felt a little relief.

She wasn't **_his_** Bella and **_he_** wasn't _her_ Jacob.

She was Belial and **_he_** was Renesmee's soulmate.

The age of _Jake &Bells_ was gone…It was time for the story of **Jake &Nessie** to begin.

Belial let go of Renesmee's hand and her daughter took a step forward.

"Hi, I'm Renesmee," her daughter said, "But you probably already knew that." She giggled.

 ** _He_** started walking toward Renesmee and Belial thought **_he_** was going to hug her or shake her hand or something.

 _Hi, I'm Jacob. We used to make mud pies when we were little._

"So, I really wanted to meet you. After all, it isn't every day that you get to meet your soul-" she continued and **_he_** brushed past her.

Edward called after **_him_** and **_he_** bumped **_his_** shoulder against Belial's as he left and she felt…

 ** _She felt._**

* * *

 **Author's note:** Belial _-Deceptively beautiful fallen angel whose name means_ _ **"without worth."**_


End file.
